Buhay America
Filipino lives described
Archive for the 'Jokes atbp..' Category
Bird and Elephant
Author: Cecille
One day the bird whispered something to elephant’s ear and it made the elephant pass out. So the rabbit asked the bird, what did you whisper to him that made him pass out? The bird said “I told him I am pregnant and he is the FATHER!”
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Author: Cecille
Two married woman went to a tea party and ended up staying way too late and had no ride home. So they decided to walk. While walking both of them felt that they have to go poopies. They saw the cemetery with some bushes to hide.
One woman go to the other side while the other on the opposite side. Problem was they don’t have anything to wipe their butt. So one woman uses her panty to wipe her butt and throws it away, and the other just found a wreath and use that to wipe hers.
The next day both husbands were talking, husband number 1 said, maybe we should know what our wives are doing while they were away. My wife just went home last night without panty. Husband number 2 said, I think you are right, but my wife has some card stuck in her butt and said ” we love you and we will miss you” from “Toyota sales department”.
Pedro, Juan and Jose
Author: Cecille
One day three friends are just talking about life and the history of their children.
Pedro: I have twins because when we are doing it we just watch the movie, the “Lord of the rings twin tower” and my wife really enjoyed it and can’t stop talking about it. So we had twins.
Juan: I know what you mean bud. My wife love the “Three musketeers” and we ended up having triplets.
All of the sudden Jose just pass out. The two friends tried to revive him and when he gain consciousness he is trembling.
Pedro: What is the matter with you Jose?
Juan: Yeah! what’s wrong??
Jose: Pedro you watch “the Twin tower” and you had twins??
Pedro: Yeah??!?
Jose: Juan your wife love the movie “Three musketeers” and had triplets?
Juan: Yeah??!?
Jose: WAAAAA my wife loves the movie “300″
Pedro and Juan
Author: Cecille
One day, Pedro and Juan are really wanted to out do one another.
Peter: Did you know how tall is my great great grandfather?
Juan: No.
Peter: he’s so tall he’s taller than the mount Everest when he stand up.
Juan: Really? well my great great grandfather is taller than your great great grandfather then.
Peter: how tall is he?
Juan: When my great great grandfather stands up, he can reach the clouds.
Peter: WOW! that is wicked tall, but I guess my great grandfather is taller.
Juan: really?
Peter: he’s so tall, he can see your great great grandfather’s head when he stands up. you see he’s taller because he goes pass the clouds.
Juan: Oh! is that your great grandfather? Well, my great grandfather said that someone’s head is poking his testicles when he stands up,.
Deaf
Author: Cecille
Peter told Juan that he doesn’t need to yell because he just got a new hearing aid. Juan ask him what kind is it? Peter looks at his watch and said it’s 9:30.
Clock
Author: Cecille
A filipino guy died in car accident and he was in the gates of heaven. He finally met St. Peter then he noticed so many wall clocks hanging in St. Peter’s office. The conversation goes like this.
Filipino Guy: What are those clocks for St. Peter?
St. Peter: Oh those! those are clocks for every country. You see the arm? Every time the arm moves there is one person on that country committed a sin. So the faster it moves the more people committing a sin.
Filipino Guy: Ahh!!
(then he looks around and he saw, Japan, USA, China… but he cannot find the Philippines clock) So he ask again)
Filipino Guy: Wait a minute you said this is all for the country?
St. Peter: Hmmm you are right!
Filipino Guy: But where is my country Philippines, it’s not here.
St. Peter: Oh that clock, God just borrowed it to use for electric fan, his AC broke down.
Virgin 2
Author: Cecille
A prostitute wanted to marry a millionaire but he just wanted to marry a virgin woman. So she pretended that she is a virgin and swears that she is. So they got married and on their honeymoon night, the guy was romancing the woman and start having sex with her, the woman asked “Is it in? the guy said “yes! it is!” then the woman shouted “OOOUUCCHHH!!!”
Virgin
Author: Cecille
One day a very rich bachelor is sick of his bachelor’s lifestyle, he wanted to settle down. While he was looking for woman to settle down with, he had an idea. He thought that he could marry a virgin woman so that he will be the first and the last of his wife-to-be.
He search and search but he didn’t find anyone. He said he will give a reward if the bride is a virgin. One woman said “I’m a virgin, marry me and give me my reward”. The guy said okay let’s get married.
So the wed and the flew to hawaii for their honeymoon. They sip champagne and had a very good dinner. Then it’s time to seal the deal. The guy said “I don’t want to hurt you so I am going to try my fingers first okay?” They woman said “Sure”. After 10 minutes of romancing the woman said “Ouch!, can you please take off your ring?” The guy was so angry he jump out of bed and said ” You little liar that was my watch!”
Mayaman versus Mahirap
Author: Cecille
Kung mayaman ka, meron kang “allergy”
Kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay “galis” o “bakokang”
Sa mayaman, “nervous breakdown” dahil sa “tension and stress”
Sa mahirap, “sira ang ulo”
Kung mayaman ka, “pneumonia” daw ang sakit mo
Kung mahirap, “TB” yon
Sa mayaman, “hyperacidity”
Kapag mahirap, “ulcer” dahil walang laman ang tiyan
Sa mayamang “malikot ang kamay”, ang tawag ay “kleptomaniac”
Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay “magnanakaw” o “kawatan”
Pag mayaman ka, you’re “eccentric”
Kung mahirap ka, “may toyo ka sa ulo” o “may topak” o “may sayad”
Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may “migraine”
Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay “nalipasan ng gutom”
Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is “scoliotic”
Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay “kuba”
Kung ang señorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay “morena” o “sun tanned”
Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay “ita” o “negrita” o “baluga”
Kung nasa high society ka at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay “petite”
Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay “pandak” o “bansot”
Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay “pleasingly plump”
Kapag mahirap ka, ika’y “tabatsoy” o “lumba-lumba”…pagminamalas ka, ”baboy”
Kapag mayaman, “fasting” ang hindi kumain
Kung mahirap, “nagtitiis”
Kung well-off ka at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay ”socialite”
Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay “pakawala” o “pok-pok”
Kung mayamang alembong ka, ang tawag sa iyo ay “liberated”
Pero kung isa kang dukha, ang tawag sa iyo “malandi”
Kapag mayaman, “misguided” o “spoiled” ka
Kung mahirap ka, “addict” o “durugista”
Kung may pera ka, ang tawag sa iyo “single parent”
Pero kung wala kang trabaho, ang tawag sa iyo “disgrasyada”
Kapag mayaman at sexy, “fashionable” daw
Kung mahirap, sigurado “GRO” o “japayuki” ka
Ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain, “vegetarian”
Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na ” kumakain ng damo.”
Sa exclusive school, “assertive” ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro
Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro, ang tawag sa kanila ay “bastos!”
Ang mayamang tumatanda, “are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood”
Ang mga mahihirap ay “gumugurang”
Ang anak ng mayaman ay “slow learner”
Ang anak ng mahirap ay “bobo” o “gung-gong”
Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says, ”masarap kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking”
Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself na ikaw ay “patay-gutom”
Kung graduate ka ng exclusive school at sa ibang bansa ka nagtatrabaho, ang tawag sa iyo “expat”
Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay “contract worker”
Kung boss ka at binabasa mo ito sa office mo, “okay lang”
Pero kung ikaw ay hamak na empleyado lamang, ikaw ay” nagbubulakbol”…
kaya forward mo na agad ito dahil nasa likod mo ang boss mo!
Confession
Author: Cecille
This joke was originally told by Romeo Mercado.
Two lovers are talking.
Woman: “I’m am feeling so guilty not saying with my parents about our relationship”
Man: What are you gonna do?
Woman: I’m going to tell them that we already had sex twice.
Man: What??? How that happened we only did it once!
Woman: Why? are we not doing it tonight?